SOCIETY should be able spend more time with disabled people like us, especially people who have liver problems like me. So I need somebody, who can help me out financially for few years, you know, until I can cope. If I can't cope, that means I will end up in an old folk's home. That old folk's home is only for you after 60 years old. I tried to cope as much as I can. Because you have to pay money only and they will pay the work.
IN the morning, I'm going to be like "hihihi" like a clown. In front of people, you will be very happy but inside you are actually sad. Just like Shakespeare, you are struggling to hide your tears. Even if have to go out from my house to the lawn is like 1km to me. Because when I put my leg down, it is very painful. So that is why I just don't know what to do.
THINGS are expensive nowadays. I'm just worried, because you know I have to pay the motorcycle bill, even the crutches are broke. I'm just tightening it up since the cost to buy a new one is quite expensive, which is about RM70. Food is very expensive, I can't manage. If you can see my fridge, there is nothing inside. Only water and herbs that people give me. From my house to nearest clinic, is about RM12 if I take a taxi, for one way. I used to eat outside, but now everything is expensive. Small ikan kembung is like RM4. How to eat? A plate of rice is RM2. The cheapest food right now is roti canai, which RM1. Even capati is RM2.
THERE are a lot of things that happened to me. I fell down from my bike, and no one helped. I'm having a hard time when I get on my motorcycle, especially when the road is full of potholes. My blood spilled out like non-stop. That is why, if you can see, my bandages are very thick. I guess I won't stay that long. So when the body aches eh, you need someone to come and give you massage but I only have me.
I'M also having a hard time at the toilet. Because my crutches already broken already. It's very hard to get to the toilet.
EVERY month I can't survive at all. Monthly finance is very disturbing to me. The medicines are all expensive. So I just keep my fingers crossed, how to overcome everything. I have to settle this, settle that and I don't know what to do, you know? I can't keep borrowing from Ah Long. Sometimes, I get called by them "You better pay up this, and you better pay up that". So I just live... as it is. I'm just worried when they will burst the door and asked me. I don't know how long I can pull through. Very difficult for me. In fact, if I want to die, I want to die in peace. I cannot go through already.
THE situation that I'm going through right now is very painful, especially at night, when I sleep. For the last 2 and 3 years, I barely sleep. That was my hardest moment; I could not sleep at all. I cry, every single day, every single night. My neighbor also knows about this. In the morning, I have to lompat-lompat with my leg if I want to boil water in the kettle. Sometimes I get hurt by the hot water. Then I bring my kettle 'lompat-lompat' with my crutches.
WHEN I see doctor, I'm crying already. I can't stand the pain, at all.
I just kept quiet you know. Let's see how. The leg is also very painful. Swollen actually, because the doctor said maybe because of the liver and I recently stopped treatment. So I don't know what to do.
MY doctor is a very good doctor. He helps me a lot. I'm quite happy for him also. He and his skills have done a good job to me, but things right now you need money for him and team to do a good operation. Good doctors are there, but there is no money.
SOME doctors asking me why not you cut off the legs? Now all of my bones have affected until the knee and it will also affect my heart. Anytime I can die. I hope MINDEF will help me with RM156, 000 fund for my liver and other health problem.
MY neighbor is a nice person. He keeps himself vigilant. He sees what he can do. "Joseph, what did you do? Are you okay? You jatuh mana-mana kah? Hey Joseph, are you okay or not?" He is a night person and sleep maybe 3 or 4 o'clock. So it's a good advantage for me. I keep the windows open, he just sees around. "It's a good thing for me in case anything happen. He keep himself vigilant. They also have car, they sent me to HUKM when I can't ride my motorcycle or can't afford to ride taxi.
I have Malay friends. They helped me a lot while I was at the hospital for 50 days. We were like a family. We helped each other. They read the Al-Quran, I read the Bible. Haji told me "You pray, I also pray". So Haji and I will pray together in the morning. We are just like a family, since we are suffering together. The Haji said he is ready to die faster. Many of us are going through a lot of upside down, so we are trying to cheer each other up.
QUITE a number of groups I've approached. I mean, to ask for help. Everyone seems to turn me down. I'm sorry to say this but when ladies cry, automatically, help will come for them. My question is, why woman have problems, they can get help. I just wonder. Does a man need to cry to get help?
PRIME minister is the best I can talk to right now because I don't know whom I can talk to right now. I want talk to him, so I can share my problem, tell him how he can help me out because I want to see him, other politician is not easy to see him also. That is why my wish is to see him and talk to him directly. Because I know he has spoke to people like us. Prime Minister is a good Prime Minister. I don't know about other people but he help people like us. So I'm sure god blesses him if he can help us.
THUS, my goal is to see our pm, directly to explain all the problems and ask how he can help me out, I don't know what to say. I just need help. You can ask my neighbor, how many times I've fallen down here in my own house.
IF I could go back to the past, I just want to be with my youngest daughter only and spend more time with her. The happiest moment is when I'm with her. She'll come around and I got some money and we can eat outside. I love her smile while she is enjoying her food. Then I advise her, my little girl named Maria Angel. But now she is also having problems because nobody can send her to school, you know. The teacher sometimes scolds her, like nobody's business. Every week I have to come to school to buy some items that cost RM10-RM15. They don't understand the situation. When she does not have the money, she will not go to school, she is scared.
WHAT worries me now, I got no money to send my daugther to school by school bus and the school is full of pressure. I'm really worried about her education. Seeing her growing up, giving advice to her like doesn't have boyfriend lah. Now she is in standard 6, I asked her to study hard "as long as your father is alive, I help," I said to her. If gone, then gone lah. But I can't imagine the situation.
WHATEVER help I can get, I'm ready to go to the hospital. At least I can get everything done and stay a bit longer and have the chance to see my last kid grow up. She is now growing up as a teenager. She is a good girl, even when scold her, but her response is very good.