As the World Cup kicks into high gear with the conclusion of the group stages, we take a look at how Malaysians are being affected by this seasonal plague.

Malaysians are an interesting lot when it comes to their football. Clearly not handicapped by the lack of a Malaysian team at this year’s World Cup, that hasn’t stopped the footballing masses (and non-footballing luddites too) from taking this year’s edition to heart.

No Harimau Malaya to support? No problem!

1. Choosing a team to support

Jerseys
Brazil, the one in yellow right? Stylo mah, sure win World Cup one lah.

With no boundaries on nationality (that’s what you get when football in this country hasn’t changed much in 30 years), there’s a lovely freedom that comes with picking a team to support. When asking people who they’re supporting, you’ll hear clichés being bandied about as though they’re going out of fashion. Be it the ‘stylish musings of Brazil’, or the ‘mechanical efficiency’ of the Germans, stereotypes fill conversations aplenty. No need for the casual Malaysian football fan to do his research, obviously.

2. Actually watching the team you support

Sleepy
This will totally be worth all the lost sleep.

So this is how it goes. You go and buy the jersey of your nation of choice (Triple A grade lah, cannot afford original, okay?), and do your best to wake up at whatever ungodly hour that the match is screening. With kick-off times ranging from midnight to 6 am, you rely on a combination of alarms, transplanted patriotism and ridiculously strong coffee to make sure you can catch the games. Oh, you missed the match? Never mind lah, got other games to watch also. Maybe you’ll start learning about Honduras’ formations…

3. And then they get booted out…

crying
He wouldn't have missed if he'd used hair wax instead of gel

So you’ve stayed up (or woken up) for the 3 am kick off, only to see Brazil lose to Costa Rica through the combination of a missed open goal as Neymar adjusts his hair instead of shooting, and the goalie managing to score a last minute winner off his arse. You sit there, eyeing your now cold kopi O, and wonder why bad things happen to good people. Now you’re contemplating calling in sick as you deal with your dashed faux-nationalistic hopes and the horror of work in the morning.

4. Cursing the timezone gods

Money
Maybe there's a way to eliminate this timezone nonsense after all

Timezones aren’t kind to Malaysians when it comes to international events. They’re always inconvenient for one reason or another. Short of consistently hosting them to make sure we get the right time slots for everything (all we’re missing from our portfolio is the World Cup, Olympic Games and, uh, the Winter Olympics), we have to deal with off-kilter match times. All you need is some Datuk’s contact, a promise he’ll make tonnes of money, and suddenly a World Cup in Malaysia seems a reasonable dream to have.

5. Actually showing up for work/ class/ pilates

Sleepy
No. Not today. Don't even try that wet willie.

And so you show up for work the next day, a zombie needing more than just coffee to keep his wheels turning. Your boss is cheerily wearing his Costa Rica shirt (original, cos you know, he makes way more than you), having swanned into the office at 11 30 (because, well, he’s the boss) with a smile plastered over his smug face and a rather vomit-inducing ‘hey, did you watch the match last night?’ It’s not murder if it’s justified, right?

6. Choosing another team to support after you’ve cursed the last one with your patronage

World Cup
How are you with trying out Die Mannschaft? No? Maybe Les Bleus?

No biggie, right? After all, your ‘team’ has already bitten the dust, so picking another one to support as the final draws nearer should be easy. You look over the players, and just pick the one that has a stereotype that appeals to you (the Dutch are amazing at Total Football!), or has the hottest players (apparently, this is not restricted to females). Just look at those gorgeous Italians, hunky Germans or swarthy. Again, who needs research? We’re Malaysians, damnit! Never let knowledge get in the way of a good cliché.

7. Getting hyped up for the business end – quarters, semis, the final

fans
"We're going to win the Cup! We're going to win the Cup!"

It’s all planned out. You’ve got your new team’s jersey ready (Grade A only this time, middle of the month lah, still can’t afford original), and you’ve determined that they’ll make it all the way this year. You’ve armed yourself with statistics from previous World Cups (ignoring important ones like, erm, if they’ve actually won it recently) and can now confidently predict that Italy will play it slow, the Colombians are dirty cloggers or that Germany will win a penalty shootout. Did we mention Malaysians love their stereotypes?

8. What if your second team gets knocked out?

knocked out
Come on, England Cameroon Spain Honduras Croatia GERMANY!

Three things could happen. Either you shrug your shoulders and forget about the World Cup entirely, saying stuff like you never really cared much about it anyway; you follow their conquerors, hoping that team will win, just so that you can say ‘My team only lost to the champions, okay?’ ; Or you support any of the other remaining teams just to get back at the team that beat yours. Because petty vindictiveness is something we do so well. And what would Malaysia be without it?

9. The Final!

finals
Yeah! Let's go! Go Team-that-I-have-no-real-interest-in! *We* can be world champions!

Its here! The moment the rest of the world has been waiting for for four years (that would be four weeks for you) has finally arrived! You’ve got your leave sorted for the next day and the boss has finally stopped bothering with the World Cup after his beloved Costa Rica got knocked out due to their defenders being dazzled by stadium lights reflecting off Robben’s bald spot (his whole head, in other words) and van Persie stealing in to swan dive the winner. The tension in the air is thick (or it could just be the weather, with the haze apparently making a comeback) as the game kicks off!

As the game ends, you feel a massive swell of emotion, as though history has just been made and you’re a part of it (which it has, but you aren’t). You promise to follow more football, and you’re certain you’re going to keep track of Holland/Italy/Germany/Mexico from now on. Because, heck, you’re a legit footy fan.

10. The morning after

Morning after
Much regret. Not wow. No sleep. Football. Don't even like. Idiot.

There was a World Cup final right? Oh, right, Spain won again, didn’t they? Oh, they got knocked out? Why did I take the day off? The work’s going to pile up at the office… Stupid World Cup. – By Syed Rafie / FHM