When all four of our children were 8 years old or younger, and I felt one, or all of them, weren't getting the best of my attention, I'd ask them to draw me a picture of what happened during their day, so we could talk about it later. It was a young-parent method that worked. Two decades later, I'm finding that it still works with my adult children.
During the second half of her junior year in college, our daughter and one of her friends decided to find jobs and live in the city over the summer. While she spent the spring semester abroad, the roommate and another friend found the place. We both saw it for the first time the day she moved in, and it was wretched. Windows didn't close all the way, doors didn't lock properly, wiring was sketchy. By then, though, she had found her job, housing options were impossibly tight and she'd committed to half the rent.
I wanted her to cancel the whole thing, but she refused. I wanted her bedroom door to have a lock on it. She pointed out that there was no access to her place from the street. I said she should stay in a hotel until we found her another place. She said no.
I bugged her about it for days. Had she called the landlord yet about grates on the window? She'd left a message. Were they coming to fix the wiring? They'd probably come sometime that week. What about the lock on the bedroom door? She'd mention it.
I wanted her to get serious with the landlord about repairs. She said she would. Then she didn't. So I did. His words told me he'd try to get to it, but his attitude said if I feel like it. I filed a complaint. I was furious.
But my daughter wasn't. She hated the place, but the neighborhood was decent and safe. She wanted to be in the city more than she wanted a nice apartment, and she could live anywhere for two months. She told me this, in a voice I wasn't familiar with, over the phone.
After we hung up, I had to take a walk. I knew something important had just happened that I didn't understand yet and maybe didn't want to. Possibly after we hung up, she stormed into the landlord's office and owned it for a few moments, because things started to get done.
That call marked an abrupt but needed departure from our normal rapport, one of questions from her and answers from me, of problems shared and solutions offered. She was 21 and entitled to conceive and execute a decision, or not. Now my "helpful" actions were not a comfort but a log to move out of the road.
Move it, she did.
I still wince to think of how I took over, and how often, before I was relieved of my role on that stage. However, lessons like that tend to produce new responses to old situations, and I developed a keeper that brings me back to those pictures I used to ask for.
I think of it as "being the neighbor." It's changed everything.
Before I offer solutions that are not relevant to my kids' times or troubles, or warn them from hardship that could benefit them more than harm them, or say anything that starts with "Well, what I used to do," I stop and consider: What would a neighbor say? Someone who is supportive but not intrusive, caring but not worried, and generous but not forceful with ideas?
What would a neighbor, who wanted to make sure she stayed in their lives, say?
I have become that neighbor, the one who is home at the right time, has time to listen and asks questions that might make things clearer to each of us. Above all, I am the neighbor who realizes that my children's personal stake in the decisions they make is the only one that matters.
I no longer tell my city-dwelling daughter how to stay safe on her morning commute, while I am sitting in a town with a population of 5,000 and can't see my real-life neighbor. I don't tell her sister how to navigate her life as a musician, or even pretend to know what it looks like up close.
Instead, I ask them to draw me a verbal picture of what's going on.
I will always want to protect them when they are already safe, offer them money that they don't need and dislike people who hurt them. But that's between me and my journal now, as I practice a suggestion from a psychology teacher who specialized in child development: "Never miss an opportunity to shut up."
I think parents try to see over challenges to easier days that lie ahead. For me, those days have arrived. I get invited for lunch. I get funny texts and shares on Facebook. Sometimes they come for overnights and bring their friends or significant others.
But more important to me are the calls that come every now and then that start with "I just want to tell you about something." Or "I just wanted to hear your voice."
It wasn't that way when I was the log. But it's been that way since I became the neighbor.
The Washington Post
Thu Sep 29 2016
Before I offer solutions that are not relevant to my kids' times or troubles, I stop and consider: What would a neighbor say? - Pix from Freeimages
Hafizh Syahrin raih kemenangan sulung di Zhuhai
Pelumba negara Hafizh Syahrin Abdullah meraih kejuaraan sulung bersama JDT Racing Team pada Kejuaraan Motosikal Asia (ARRC) 2024 di Litar Antarabangsa Zhuhai, di China hari ini.
AWANI Ringkas: Taktik baharu scammer
Ikuti rangkuman berita utama yang menjadi tumpuan sepanjang hari di Astro AWANI menerusi AWANI Ringkas.
AWANI 7:45 [20/04/2024] - Noktahkan kemiskinan Sabah | Belum tahu jumlah peruntukan pembangkang | Freedom Flotilla to Gaza | Thailand terima 10.72 juta pelancong asing
#AWANI745 malam ini bersama Dzulfitri Yusof;
1. Noktahkan kemiskinan tegar Sabah, kata PM
2. PN masih tunggu butiran MOU, peruntukan pembangkang
3. Freedom Flotilla jalani latihan anti keganasan sebelum ke Gaza
4. 1.3 juta pelancong Malaysia ke Thailand
1. Noktahkan kemiskinan tegar Sabah, kata PM
2. PN masih tunggu butiran MOU, peruntukan pembangkang
3. Freedom Flotilla jalani latihan anti keganasan sebelum ke Gaza
4. 1.3 juta pelancong Malaysia ke Thailand
Dua polis BSI ditahan bantu siasatan kes pemerasan
Dua anggota polis yang berkhidmat di Bangunan Sultan Iskandar (BSI) ditahan semalam, bagi membantu siasatan kes pemerasan melibatkan seorang lelaki tempatan yang bekerja di Singapura.
Malaysia-Thailand tingkat kerjasama atasi jenayah
Malaysia dan Thailand setuju tingkat kerjasama untuk membanteras jenayah rentas sempadan.
#AWANI745
#AWANI745
MCMC lapor polis terhadap Papagomo, Che Gu Bard dan Salim Iskandar
MCMC menegaskan pihaknya melaksanakan tugas dan tanggungjawabnya berpandukan Akta Komunikasi dan Multimedia 1998, dan kesemua undang-undang subsidiari yang terkandung di dalamnya.
#AWANI745
#AWANI745
Kursus Perdana Haji peringkat Wilayah Persekutuan
Hari ini bermula Kursus Haji Perdana secara berperingkat yang dianjurkan oleh Lembaga Tabung Haji.
Ini adalah persediaan terakhir kepada bakal Haji Malaysia untuk mempersiapkan diri sebagai tetamu Allah di tanah suci nanti.
#AWANI745
Ini adalah persediaan terakhir kepada bakal Haji Malaysia untuk mempersiapkan diri sebagai tetamu Allah di tanah suci nanti.
#AWANI745
1.39 juta pelancong Malaysia ke Thailand
Thailand terima ketibaan 10.72 juta pelancong asing termasuk 1.39 juta dari Malaysia.
#AWANI745
#AWANI745
Delegasi Malaysia jalani latihan anti keganasan
Latihan ini bagi mempersiapkan peserta dalam mendepani segala kenungkinan dan provokasi yang mungkin berlaku semasa pelayaran menghantar bantuan ke Gaza berlangsung.
Syaff Shukri di Istanbul, Turki ada perinciannya.
#AWANI745
Syaff Shukri di Istanbul, Turki ada perinciannya.
#AWANI745
Bekas tokoh Bersih lancar Projek SAMA, tingkat akauntabiliti
Tujuh bekas BERSIH pada Sabtu melancarkan sebuah organisasi yang memperjuangkan reformasi institusi dikenali sebagai Projek SAMA.
#AWANI745
#AWANI745
COVID-19: Lebih 86 juta kanak-kanak bakal dibelenggu krisis kemiskinan
Lebih 86 juta kanak-kanak akan hidup dalam kemiskinan hujung tahun ini, menurut kajian bersama Pergerakan Save The Children dan Tabung Kanak-kanak PBB (UNICEF).
38 kanak-kanak jadi mangsa korban serangan di Idlib, Syria
Sekurang-kurangnya 38 kanak-kanak dilaporkan terbunuh dan 46 lagi cedera dalam serangan di Idlib, Syria sejak 1 April lalu.
Children, tema iklan Merdeka Petronas
Kehidupan kita mungkin berbeza. Impian dan harapan tetap sama. Itulah tema yang diketengahkan oleh Petronas untuk Hari Kebangsaan 2013.